Momentum For Monday, May 15th 2023

"Putting confidence in an unreliable man is like chewing with a sore tooth, or trying to run on a broken foot." (Proverbs 25:19)

There's something that psychologists call "defensive hope." Dr. Henry Cloud explains it this way, "Defensive hope is hope that protects us against grief and sadness. Sometimes simply hoping a person will change keeps us form the pain that we need to face." Let me tell you, this is another valuable lesson I learned.

For years I spent waiting and hoping in things and/or people to change or become what I wanted (note that it was what "I" wanted). Time after time I'd be let down. I would become hurt, try to do the "Christian" thing to forgive and not give up on it or them only for it to happen again and again. Eventually I'd become so angry from the constant disappointment that I'd quit or explode.

Here's the problem, I was hoping in broken people and/or situations instead of God alone. This world is broken and some of the people we care about deeply are especially broken (more than we are). Loving broken people is a good thing, except for when we give them more trust than they have proven to be reliable for. When we do that, we're giving them permission to hurt us. 

Stop hoping in situations and people that are beyond your control and have already shown you their answer in circumstance after circumstance. People who consistently let you down or leave you constantly waiting for that situation or person to pull through is causing heartbreak. It doesn't mean that I stop caring, it means I start placing wise boundaries in place.

Here's a fair warning- I lost people when boundaries started being placed. I also had to start accepting the grief of the situation. That's not an easy thing to do, it takes courage to sit in grief and feel it for what it is. But I also didn't stop loving them. I didn't stop caring. I just started to own and control what needed protecting- my heart.

The only one worth every ounce of trust we can muster is God. It's not easy. There's things that I still don't understand about Him, but I will trust Him anyways.

Are you someone that struggles with defensive hope? It may be time for you to start accepting people and things for what you already know them to be and start embracing grief to learn what true hope is supposed to be.

"For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes in Him [whoever adheres to, trusts in, and relies on Him] will not be disappointed [in his expectations].”'

(Romans 10:11)